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Thanksgiving is one of America’s oldest and most cherished cultural traditions. The Onion looks back at the history of Thanksgiving.

WASHINGTON—Stressing that the undertaking would provide an extremely rewarding experience for families during the holiday season, the Humane Society released a statement Wednesday urging Americans to opt for a shelter turkey this Thanksgiving. “Sure, some of our turkeys are a little rougher around the edges, but they also have the most heart. A lot of them have lived long, tough lives and are just looking for…

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported that the number of Americans with Alzheimer’s or dementia will double by 2060, growing from 5 million to 13.9 million cases. What do you think?

DENVER—Travelers at the Denver International Airport looked on in envy Thursday at a very lucky elderly woman, who, since her arrival, has been greeted by an airport employee and been pushed around in a wheelchair wherever she wants to go. “Man, she doesn’t have to walk to her gate or anything; I would kill to be her right now,” 32-year-old bystander Neal Bedo said of the fortunate 89-year-old, who is basically being waited on hand and foot and is currently being ushered all…

YONKERS, NY—Two years into his employment at the fast food eatery, Subway employee Gabe Winthrop reported Thursday that he is still shaken by the earsplitting shrieks made by the sandwiches every time he slices them in two. “I’m pretty much a veteran around here at this point, but I’ll tell you, I don’t think I’ll ever get used to hearing somebody’s lunch emit a piercing screech the second you begin to cut into it,” Winthrop said of the hundreds of agonized, high-pitched whines…

Former New York mayor Michael Bloomberg will give $1.8 billion to his alma mater to create need-blind admissions in perpetuity. What do you think?

ITHACA, NY—In a new study released Tuesday by Cornell University, researchers revealed that the average adult male thinks of Santa Claus once every seven seconds. “Based on our extensive data, we can confirm that if you’re having a conversation with a man, whether he is young or old, chances are good that he is preoccupied by thoughts of Santa’s thick, sumptuous beard and plump, rosy cheeks,” said lead researcher Dr. Anya Voltan, whose survey of 150 men between the ages of 18 and…

WASHINGTON—Introducing an updated and expanded lineup for the much-anticipated annual event, single aunts across America released their official Thanksgiving 2018 boyfriend roster, family sources confirmed Tuesday. “We’re excited to show off one of the strongest rookie classes in years, as all sorts of up-and-coming boyfriends have burst suddenly onto the scene this year, and we’re really excited to spring them on you at Thanksgiving dinner,” said…

WASHINGTON—Saying the measure would provide a substantial boon to police departments nationwide, members of the House Republican caucus introduced a bill Tuesday containing open-ended language that would criminalize whatever it is black people are up to right now. “This is a long-overdue piece of legislation that will help defend our country against the scourge of black people being in places and doing things,” said Rep. Steve…

WASHINGTON—According to a report published this week by the U.S. Department of Education, an increasing number of universities now offer dick-around abroad programs that give students the chance to hang out and do jack shit in another country.

BANGOR, ME—Admitting that their decade-long overindulgence in recreational stimulants rendered their memories “pretty much a blur,” the American populace admitted Monday to being so coked-out during the 1980s that they had no recollection whatsoever of reading Stephen King’s best-selling horror novel Cujo. “I have an ’83 paperback on my bookshelf, and the pages are all dog-eared, but I have absolutely no memory of any of it,”…