Latest content in Borger, TX

SEATTLE—Reporting that millions of customers had already signed up for the feature in the few hours since its launch, Amazon announced a new service Friday that comes to your house and kills you. “Amazon has always offered unparalleled customer service and convenience, and Amazon Slay is part of that philosophy,” said company spokesperson Leslie Rivera, adding that the service, which allows customers to choose between being…

Amid mounting findings about Russian interference in the 2016 election, President Trump will sit down with Vladimir Putin in an attempt to normalize relations and improve bilateral ties. What do you think?

AMES, IA—Staring wistfully in the mirror as he flexed his tanned, oversized muscles, local bodybuilder Jai Dragovich told reporters Monday that ever since he became sufficiently strong, he couldn’t help but wonder: now what? “I’ve been so busy finding out how much weight I could lift that I never paused to ask if this is what I should be doing with my life,” said Dragovich, who added that even though he’d recently hit his target weight of 260 pounds and was down to…

If you’re a fan of Eggo waffles, you better stock up now while you still can: After 50 years of dominating the frozen waffle market, Kellogg’s announced today that it’s shutting down Eggo because its CEO had a freaky dream about waffles.

HOBOKEN, NJ—Shining new light on the words that offered you comfort just moments ago, a report released Monday found that your therapist was actually only saying that to make you feel better. According to sources, the debilitating self-hatred you feel is based in real problems you should address immediately, and it’s just that your therapist obviously can’t say that. Sources confirmed that she feeds that same…

MCALLEN, TX—In an effort to teach other juvenile detainees to keep their distance, newly hired ICE agent Kevin Michelson revealed this week that he had established dominance on his first day by beating up the biggest child prisoner he could find. “Just to make sure the pecking order in this place is crystal clear, I started out the day by going up to this huge 7-year-old in his holding cell and just knocking the shit out of him,” said Michelson, who expressed confidence…

WASHINGTON—With results that were consistent across every demographic group in all 50 states, a poll published Monday by the Pew Research Center revealed that 97 percent of U.S. citizens do not know who Donald Trump is. “When interviewed, the overwhelming majority of Americans did not recognize Donald Trump’s name, did not know he was associated with the federal government, and were unable to state whether he…

NEW YORK—Materializing, deorbiting, and making Earthfall by the thousands, rowdy and unruly starship crews from all corners of the transhuman sphere began arriving in New York City to participate in Intergalactic Fleet Week 2018, terrestrial sources confirmed Monday. “We’ve had to upgrade our security big-time,” said Mike Asch, owner of the infamous lower east side bar The 13th Step, noting that trouble was inevitable when the…

COLUMBIA, SC—Citing “very strong evidence” that includes his mother saving several of her research papers from the course and how she often mentions how much her teacher meant to her, local teen Brandon Lipka, 15, told reporters Sunday that he’s beginning to suspect his mother had an affair with her art history professor while a student at Indiana University in the 1980s. “I noticed that, although…